A Human Connection Manifesto - Málaga
Málaga, Spain
I’m sitting in the lounge at Málaga airport, typing away while I wait for my homeward flight. I cannot help smiling, and my fingers are dancing on the keyboard. The last few days have been magical.
I’ve been attending a graduate program reunion. To be more precise, this was a get-together of former colleagues from the early 90’s. We were fresh out of university back then, recruited in an international graduate program and sent from our home countries to the UK for a year’s training and work experience. Us “Eurograds” had a lot of fun together, also outside of work, and many of us shared apartments during the placement.
I was a 1994 graduate.On my way to this meeting last week, I realized that was thirty-two years ago. 32, thirty-two! How is that even possible? We have had some reunions since the 90’s, but the last one was already twelve years ago. So I was not quite sure what to expect now. Turns out, there was no reason to doubt.
It was an instant connection!
We met up for drinks and dinner on Thursday night. Time must have been on a supersonic accelerator because all of a sudden, it was Sunday afternoon and we were giving each other goodbye hugs. In between, three days and nights of shared experiences in and around Málaga. Lots of joyful chatter, joking, laughter, as well as deep and serious conversations.
Around thirty of us showed up at the event, from different graduate program years. Our lives had taken different paths. Many had continued in the tech industry, some had changed careers completely, and a few were retired. Some had been married for three decades, some were divorced. A few were already grandparents. We all had one thing in common, however: we looked a bit older…
But all the same, old friendships continued from where they were left last time. And new friendships were born.
Andrew Mayo, the “father” of the ICL Eurograduate program and I, a 1994 graduate.
My big realization
In a few instances during the reunion, I noticed something particularly wonderful. We were all immersed in conversation with another person. Not fiddling with digital devices, not staring at screens. I felt an incredible level of positive energy in the room.
“We all need more of this, “ I thought. We were talking, face-to-face, fully present, not distracted. Real human connection.
Caminito del Rey - a hike with spectacular views.
We need to talk!
Of course it’s not a new or unique observation. We know that we spend far too much time on our devices and too little time really present with other human beings. When we are in the company of other people, we easily grab the phone to check messages or the social media feed. I’m now talking about us adults, it’s not just the teenagers who do it. I observe this often when I travel alone. The world’s restaurants are full of couples who are staring at their phones and not talking.
When it comes to keeping in touch, we end up playing message ping-pong, even if it would be better to call. Very few people I know (Umberto being the delightful exception) actually use their phones to call their friends. More often than not, the option of calling does not even occur to us, and meeting up spontaneously has become virtually impossible.
I am, of course, guilty as charged as anyone, and was outrageously so during my years as an entrepreneur. I could go silent to my friends and family for months, through all channels of communication. Looking back on it now, I understand that the primary reason was not the actual lack of time. As busy as I was, I did have some moments when I could have called someone.
I see now that the real issue was related to a) lack of emotional energy and b) cultural factors. What do I mean by that?
a) When we are extremely busy, stressed and tired, we are in survival mode. We just perform what is necessary, and stress depletes our emotional resources. We don’t feel like talking to anyone. Sadly and paradoxically so, because those are the times when we would really need a friend to talk to.
b) Disconnection has become a norm in our culture. Scientists talk about a loneliness epidemic in a hyperconnected world. We stare at screens all the time, but we rarely engage in deep, concentrated conversation. We say we’re busy. Yet, we have plenty of time in the evenings to stare at bigger screens, in the isolation of our homes. On top of that, our social lives have become part of the performance culture that dominates the work environment. A simple meet-up with a friend has to be scheduled well in advance. I’ve also had to schedule phone calls with friends.
View of Málaga harbor at sunset. I took the picture at the Catalonia Molina Lario hotel rooftop.
So, why don’t we talk?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last year.
Every time I go and visit one of my dear friends, the same thing happens: hours and hours of conversation, light and serious, during a shared activity or just sitting down, creating an amazing sensation of real connection. Then, in a few days after the visit, the positive energy wanes and I slip back to old habits. Even if I realize that a string of WhatsApp messages never gives the same emotion. Not even close. Neither does Netflix.
We are social animals. We don’t want to breach cultural norms. Many of us have recognized the issue but we are not willing and able to go counter-culture. It’s easier to blame the devices and applications that have been designed to create addiction. And just keep doing what everybody is doing.
But hey, let’s think about this from another angle for a second! Nicotine is one of the most highly addictive substances on this planet, and yet, smoking rates have dropped drastically over the last fifty years. Aggressive public health campaigns created awareness of the health risks. Governments started introducing more stringent regulation, including smoking bans. But those bans did not come out of thin air. Millions of people actually wanted them, and pulled in more people. Now we can see there has been a massive cultural shift. It did not happen quickly, nor did it happened top-down only.
We can change this, too, if we want to. We can connect more and better, if we want to.
Another sunset, picture taken at the AC Hotel Málaga Palacio rooftop.
My Human Connection “Manifesto”
I cannot change the culture. Nobody can, alone. Together, we can initiate small changes and nudge the culture a bit.
The only thing I can do as an individual is try and change my own behavior, for starters. I’m not writing a big polemic piece. I’m not saying everybody should do something. I’m just writing my own personal Human Connection “Manifesto”. It starts something like this:
When there’s a chance to meet friends and family face-to-face, say YES!
Go and be present. Put that phone down, look in the eyes, listen, talk, engage.
If there’s a long string of messages with a friend, suggest “do you want to talk?” instead of automatically adding to the string.
Every now and then, call a friend just to say hello, without any particular reason, just to hear their voice.
Will you join me and create your own version?
And, if we know each other, will you pick up the phone when I call you? Or if you cannot, call me back?
I’d love to hear your voice.
*****
The flamenco show at Alegría was full of passion. I loved the amalgamation of music, movement, facial expressions, and the rhythmic beat of the shoes.
The catamaran cruise was a lot of fun, plus an excellent way to experience Málaga’s true Mediterranean character.
My favorites in and around Málaga
A spectacular hike, featuring narrow wooden walkways suspended on the walls of a gorge. This experience is hugely popular, and tickets must be booked well in advance, months prior if you are in a group. I would recommend booking a guided visit, you’ll learn lots about the area’s nature, history and hydroelectricity. The Caminito is located in the province of Málaga, some 60km from the city.
Flamenco show at Alegría
I’m not an expert on flamenco but this show got me all emotional. You can also have dinner at the restaurant before the show.
Catamaran cruise with Fly Blue
Fun and relaxing! We had the catamaran booked for our group only. It’s not necessary to have a big group, you can also join on regular scheduled excursions.
During the reunion, we stayed and shared apartments at Pinar. Clean, comfortable and well-equipped apartments, with friendly staff at the reception. Fantastic central location, an easy walk to everything in the historic center and the harbor area.
Hotel Catalonia Puerta del Mar
After the reunion, I stayed in Málaga for a few extra days. I often stay at a Catalonia Hotel in Spain because I love their concept of hospitality. This hotel certainly is in line with the group’s high standards.
Rooftops at Catalonia Molina Lario and AC Hotel Malaga Palacio
I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t check out some panoramic views from rooftops!
The Ático rooftop bar at AC Hotel Malaga Palacio has fabulous 360-degree views over Málaga. It is very touristic, however, and the queue can be long, especially right before sunset. The entry fee was 11 euros, including one drink. The Catalonia Molina Lario hotel next door offers a nice option. The building is not as high but the views are lovely, and it is a less crowded space with no entry fee.
A must-visit for art lovers, housing over 200 works by Picasso. I was lucky to walk in without a reservation on the first afternoon in town, while I was waiting for the event to start. Not sure how that happened because the lines were very long on all subsequent days - definitely worth booking your ticket in advance.
This is a sporty way to get a beautiful panoramic view of Málaga: walk up to the castle overlooking the city. Just remember to wear comfortable shoes.
View over Málaga harbor, seen when walking down from Gibralfaro Castle.