Love Keeps No Performance Reviews - @home

Vasto, Italy

The sun tickled my nose this morning, inviting me to take a walk on the beach. I love the beach in Vasto Marina. An easy stroll down the road, and I’m on the golden sand. The Adriatic has a bright turquoise color today. The waves sing a relaxing tune, I close my eyes, walk slowly and listen, daydreaming. I think about our wedding last October, and feel the warm happiness of that weekend under my skin.

Suddenly, I remember one conversation from many years back. It was another sunny day, and the sea had that same blue-to-green shade as it does today. Umberto and I were walking on this beach, and he told me he loved me. 

“Ti amo,” he said and kissed me. A long, intense kiss. 

“Perché?” I asked once I got my breath back. Why? 

Umberto looked confused. He didn’t understand why I was asking why. 

“Why do you love me?” I clarified my question.  

“Because you’re blonde and you have a nice butt,” was the mischievous reply. He rolled his eyes and started walking again. 

“No, seriously,” I insisted and grabbed his hand. 

Umberto stopped and looked at me with a serious look on his face. 

“Why? Why do I love you? That’s a silly question. I just love you and that’s it.”

 It took me a while to understand the deeper meaning of his words. 

I grew up in an environment that valued academic performance highly. It was important to be good at school, and I was. From an early age, I began to use achievements as a way to seek approval and love. As a teenager, I discovered it was important to be skinny in order to be accepted. So I started dieting. University followed, with entry exams and competition to get in. Grades, rankings. Then the corporate world, the same story - compete, perform, strive. Look good, be good, be better, get coaching and mentoring, read self-improvement books, get another degree, network, know the right people, wear the right clothes... 

Performance culture became the norm also in the world of relationships, and I accepted it without question. We talk about who’s hot and who’s not. We rank people on a scale from zero to ten. We’re surprised if, for example, we see a “seven” dating a “ten”. We have lists of attributes that potential partners should fulfill. And if they don’t, they’re out. They failed the entry exam, job interview or performance review. On the other hand, as critical and demanding as we are, we easily feel anxious and insecure about our own value. Are we attractive enough?

And now…

“Ti amo e basta.”

Wow. That was a revelation for me, almost revolutionary, the essence of unconditional love.  No requirements, conditions, expectations or limitations. I don’t love you because you are or look a certain way, or because of what you have, or what you do. I don’t love you only in strength and success and when you are admired. I love you also when you’re feeling down, when you are sick, when you are wrong, when you fail. 

There are no performance reviews. I just love you and that's it.

I’ve now arrived at the other end of the beach. It’s time to turn around and walk back. I smile at the beautiful memory, such an important lesson to learn. I learned it late, but late is better than never.

Although if I’m completely honest with you, I do have to admit one thing. I can get philosophical and all but I do like it when my husband says I have a nice butt. 

Umberto and I on our wedding day in October 2025. The beach in the background is Vasto Marina Beach.