Love Is Not About Compatibility - Vlorë

Vlorë, Albania

Seaview in Vlore, sky and trees reflected on the water of a pool at Gjurma restaurant.

In April, Umberto and I visited Albania again. It was the third time within a year.

Our trips to the opposite side of the Adriatic follow the same self-invented format. We fly out from Pescara and land at Tirana airport fifty minutes later. We go and pick up a rental car. Personnel at the rental company kiosk have learned to recognize us, which makes us feel extra welcome. We drive up and down the Albanian Riviera, and occasionally explore charming little inland towns.

Overnight stay destinations vary but one thing remains the same: every trip includes two nights in the Adriatic city of Vlorë. We stay at the same hotel and request the same room with a sea view. We have an aperitivo at the same bar and have an outrageously abundant seafood dinner at the same restaurant. And Umberto goes to the hotel casino after dinner.

Our friends wonder why we keep going back to Albania. We cannot quite pinpoint the precise reasons, we just like it. The Vlorë routine may sound even quirkier.

But it’s our thing!

One of many “our things”, funny habits, jokes, pet names and private traditions that we have developed over the almost thirteen years together. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how it’s even possible that we became a couple. We were so completely different in the beginning. I mean, zero compatibility on paper. We would have never met on a dating app!

He was from the South and I was from the North, literally, figuratively and metaphorically. Yet, mysteriously, our thing works. Now, I’ve heard one potential and pretty plausible explanation.

Reversing assumptions

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in Vlorë. I was running along the beach boulevard, listening to a podcast featuring Paul Eastwick*, author and Professor of Psychology. I find his views on modern relationships thought-provoking, so I’ve become a regular listener. This time, one of his points hit home with me.

It was this: when it comes to building a strong, lasting relationship, initial compatibility and personal attributes are not as important as we often assume. In fact, science has not been able to explain what exactly drives attraction between two people. It is clear, however, that love is not based on a rationally defined set of characteristics. Somebody may have everything you desire in a partner - on paper - and yet, there’s no chemistry.

According to Eastman,what matters more is the willingness of two persons to build a shared “culture”. This tiny culture of the couple may seem peculiar and impenetrable to the outside world, but fosters attachment between the partners.

In other words, the secret of an enduring relationship is the couple’s culture, a tiny culture built around the couple’s history together and the things that the partners appreciate in each other. These are things people discover only by spending time together, not by testing against a predefined checklist.

This, of course, is a major limitation of the online dating world which is all focused on ticking boxes - or not. It’s sad to think how many beautiful love stories never happen, only because people are rejected based on superficial criteria and never get a chance in the real world.

Eastman’s points make sense to me and help explain a few things. Our Albanian trips are a case in point.

A causeway leading to the Zvërnec Island near Vlore in Albania — Visiting the monastery on Zvërnec Island near Vlorë.

Ani & Umbe’s tiny culture on the road

Umberto was not an avid traveler when we met, I was. Now, we both are, he has become quite as keen as I am to explore the world. He does not enjoy the preparatory phase though, whereas I love researching, planning and organizing. He’s a wonderful travel partner, flexible and joyful, always delighted with whatever I’ve organized.

I was not big on seafood when we met. He taught me the art of crustaceans and mollusks. Now we both really, seriously love seafood, so much that people who know us think it’s funny, if not absurd. When we discover an exceptional seafood restaurant, we will come back, and become friends with the personnel.

Umberto does not like running. I love it. During our trips, he typically asks me what time I’d like to work out so we accommodate it in the day’s program. He does something else while I go and get my endorphin boost.

I’m not in my element at a casino, whereas Umberto enjoys a round or two of blackjack. I include the topic in my destination research and, if feasible, include a casino or two in the itinerary. Ideally, it will be at a hotel where we’re staying so I can go back to the room after dinner. Alternatively, I join him and bring a book, so I can read while he’s doing his James Bond thing.

I could go on, but I think the point is clear already.

Compatibility is a result of the couple’s culture

Our tiny couple’s culture is not a result of initial compatibility. It’s the other way around.

There’s no denying that our personal and cultural differences were massive to start with. Yet, we found a common path easily. Thinking about it now, we found it surprisingly smoothly. The secret? As a starting point, we both allowed the other person to be who they were, without trying to change them. We entered the relationship with curiosity and respect, and continued with an accommodating and adopting attitude. As a result, we have become quite compatible over the years.

I’m in line with Paul Eastwick’s thinking. This has not happened because we were a match made in heaven. It happened because we wanted “the Ani & Umbe thing”.

But… there’s a but! And a new theory.

I reached the other end of the beach boulevard and turned around to run back. The podcast moved on to other topics which were fascinating, too, but I remained pondering over one question.

I get the premise. The desire to construct a couple’s tiny culture is more important than initial compatibility. But where does that desire come from? What makes two not-so-compatible people want to create a life together?

I’ll have to Professor Eastwick’s new book to find out what he proposes. I ordered the book and it is on my Summer 2026 reading list. In the meantime, I have a theory of my own:

The desire to create a strong, lasting relationship is a function of

attraction, and
emotional availability, and
emotional maturity.

I’ll use us as an example to illustrate.

If we had met twenty years earlier, not much would have happened, nothing more than maybe a quick fling. Yes, the attraction (1) would probably have been crazy. But we were in very different places in our lives, not open, available and willing to make the commitment (2). And, most importantly, we both lacked the emotional maturity (3) that a successful long-term relationship requires, especially when the partners come from completely different cultures. Our younger selves would have been a disastrous combination!

The brutal truth is, we both had to go around the block a few times, gain real world experience, learn from our mistakes, and smoothen the sharpest edges. That’s what made us the two people who fell in love in the summer of 2013.

Umberto does not agree. He reckons, if he had met me when I was in my twenties, we would have made half a football team.

I cannot prove him wrong. Neither can science. That’s amore, and it remains a mystery.

*Paul Eastwick, Professor of Psychology at UC Davis, author of Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection

*****

Our Vlorë Favorites

Vlorë is the third largest city in Albania and is located on the Adriatic coast, about 150km south of Tirana Airport. The drive usually takes about two hours, depending on traffic. It is a vibrant city on the Albanian Riviera, featuring excellent hotels, restaurants and beaches.

Maritim Marina Bay Resort & Casino is our favorite hotel, located on the seafront, within a pleasant walking distance from the restaurants on the beach boulevard. We book a room with a sea view because it’s so lovely to have morning coffee on the balcony and admire the Adriatic the sunset in the evening. The hotel also features a spa, pool area, a little gym - and, as you already know, a casino.

Our favorite spot for aperitivo is the Gjurma Restaurant bar. A beautiful spot on the seafront, with the night sky reflecting on the pool - as featured in the profile photo of this blog post.

I’ve lost count how many times we’ve had lunch and dinner atParadise Beach Restaurant. Their raw seafood selection is just out of this world, and the service is wonderful! We cannot wait to go back.

Sunset view from our room balcony at Maritim Marina Bay hotel.