“Should We Get Married?” - Paris
“Woo-hoo, congratulations!”
We were up at the top level of the Eiffel Tower. The iconic monument was under the attack of the most vicious November storm imaginable. The tempestuous wind had shattered the umbrella that I was over-optimistically carrying. The branded plastic Champagne flutes were filling up with raindrops before we could raise them for a romantic toast. We were both soaked to the core. This was our honeymoon. The conditions were so un-romantic that we could only laugh.
I asked a friendly-looking stranger, soaked just like us, to take our picture. When she discovered what we were celebrating, she was exhilarated. She loved weddings, she said, and wanted to get married soon.
Coincidentally, we met again on the lower platform, while waiting in line for the elevator down. She presented her boyfriend, who also congratulated us. She kept asking me about our wedding, where it took place, what my dress was like, how many guests we had, the standard set of questions that women usually ask each other. I happily shared, showed some photos, and our chirpy chatter filled the air while the two men remained in silence. When the crammed elevator touched the street level, she shot the question.
“So, do you think we should get married?”
Outch. The burning question in our household for years, until answered last year. But that was our answer. What could I say to a stranger? I could feel her partner’s intense stare on my forehead. He clearly did not want to discuss this so I’d better watch my mouth.
“Well, it depends…”
Then I fell silent. We had just got married, after twelve years together. I had been the one opposing the idea all those years, arguing my case with a list of objections.
“Love is between us. We don’t want the state involved.”
“It’s the 21st century. There’s no need to get married.”
“Marriage is an institution from the past.”
“We’re perfectly happy as is, why should we marry?”
“Been there, done that, lost that t-shirt.”
Not that my points were invalid as such, there was nothing wrong with the logic. So, why did I change my mind? Jokingly, I say that I ran out of excuses. Umberto wore me out. Of course that’s not true. After years of fact-finding, deep reflection, soul-searching and heart-mining, I felt he was right.The whole thing just felt right, the right thing for us to do now.
But, if your question is if you and your partner “should” marry, I say no, don’t. I say: do NOT marry if
It is a “should”, something that you feel is expected of you. Expected by your family, friends, religion, culture. By a certain age you “should”. After many years of cohabitation, you “should” take the next step. You’re in love so you “should” marry.
You confuse love and marriage. They often go together but not necessarily. Love is not a legal requirement for marriage and vice versa. I wish they had taught this to us at school or at least before I first married (was too young anyway): the marriage contract is an unromantic legal document, literally speaking, a contract containing rights and responsibilities. Love is not one of them. If you are religious (which we are not) you may not agree. In this case, go and read marriage laws in your country and check the wording of the contract.
NB. Having said that, I do cherish the wording in our Italian contract: spouses are equal and have a reciprocal obligation to be faithful and provide “moral and material support”. These are commitments that, to me, go beyond the traditional notions of romantic love.
Do not accept it’s not necessarily the happy ever-after. Don’t take my word for it, take a look at the divorce statistics. People change. You change. The world changes. Before you decide to sign on the dotted line, be sure that you understand and are able to face the financial and other consequences in the eventuality that the contract is breached or terminated. This may or may not happen far in the unforeseeable future, in any case, it is intelligent to take precautions.
You want to throw a great party and/or feel like a princess for a day. Trust me, you can have a fabulous party without signing any legally binding documents! We organized a “We’re Not Getting Married / Love Party” after five years together. And did a Commitment Ceremony with Elvis in Las Vegas the year after. (OK, our wedding celebrations were a lot more spectacular, but that’s another story.)
You’ve been married before, divorced, and haven’t done the work on yourself. You will only bring the same problems to the next marriage.
Commitment Ceremony with Elvis in Las Vegas …
… back the day when I still said “no” to the idea of getting formally married.
We were now standing outside the elevators, under the majestic iron structure of the Eiffel Tower. It was still raining, but less heavily, and the wind had died down. I would have loved to continue the conversation but we had dinner reservations to rush to. Her question had been superficially simple, but not thrown in the air by coincidence. It was clearly a topic of conversation between them, possibly contention, so I didn’t want to stir the fire by saying something flippant.
After another moment’s silence, I continued:
“It depends… Don’t marry because you SHOULD. Do it if you both really feel it’s important and WANT TO. Don’t feel that you HAVE TO.”
They both looked reflective and did not say anything. That’s when the rain stopped and lightened up the atmosphere. We all looked at the sky, then at each other, and laughed. “Oh, one more thing,” I added.
“In case you think it would change nothing in your daily lives… I did. I said it would not make any difference if we’re married or not. The thing is, you do not know if that’s true before you actually ARE married. Some things did change for us, for the better.”
The legal norms and cultural standards are real but are getting less powerful. In many Western countries, the difference between cohabitation and being married has become less marked. In the end, marriage has the meaning you give it yourselves. The meaning comes from inside, not outside. From inside your relationship, not from the outside world.
It was time to go. She and I hugged. The men shook hands. We all wished each other a lovely evening. Umberto and I entered Avenue Octave Gréard which is directly next to the tower. We walked by the Salesforce offices that I had been to so many times in my corporate days. I wanted a photo, just for nostalgia's sake. Umberto asked me what that conversation had been all about. He does not speak English, so he could not understand the words but had a hunch. I stopped on the street corner to kiss him.
“Oh, she wanted to know what it’s like to marry the love of your life.”
“Ah. I thought you were still talking about wedding dresses,” Umbe said. “Let’s go and eat some oysters now!”
The view from our Paris hotel room. Umberto wanted to see the Eiffel Tower so I surprised him!
Our last day in Paris was not rainy, and it was delightful to walk around.
We did the first part of our honeymoon in Champagne. I will write about that in a subsequent blog soon!