Leave Your Worries Outside the Door - @home
Vasto, Italy
When I’m at home, my favorite moment of the day is in the evening when Umberto comes back from work. It’s usually around 8:30pm. I may be in the kitchen preparing dinner, or reading a book on the terrace. I hear him enter, shouting one of my private pet names. Or, alternatively, since we got officially married, he calls me his Mrs: “Signora Marinozzi”!
His business is frenetic but he always enters smiling and joyful, no matter what has happened during the day. Years ago, early in our life together, I asked him how it was possible. He answered:
“I leave the troubles of the day in the elevator. Or, at the latest, I drop them outside the door when I insert the key into the lock.”
Our home is a place of tranquillity and love.
It’s not that he could not talk to me, on the contrary. It’s because he does not want to bring the stress of the day inside. For him, our home is a place of tranquillity and love, not a forum for problem solving or a dump to unload our frustrations.
It took me a while to digest this.
I used to believe that in a relationship, we must be able to be ourselves, honest and “authentic”. I wasn’t born a person who wakes up chirping cheerfully just because they woke up (which is what my husband is like). I grew up in a culture where the answer to “how are you?” was a truthful report on your present state, not an automatic “great!”.
That was before anyone challenged my thinking. Reflecting upon it, I had to admit he was right. We normally regulate our emotions in public, with friends, colleagues, clients, people we encounter. We don’t tend to lash out at strangers. It’s called politeness.
Why wouldn’t I be polite and kind with my partner, the person I love the most in the world? Doesn’t he deserve the very best version of me?
I realized that often, what I used to call authenticity is actually a disguise for selfish behavior. If I express my true emotions when I’m tired and stressed out, for example, I’m ignoring the needs and feelings of the other person. Would I like to be treated like that?
Of course there are really bad days in life, moments when we want a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, they are not just days or moments but dark periods when we need the support of a loved one. That’s a different situation. The sad fact is, unregulated stress can kill a relationship.
I changed my mind. Authenticity is overrated.
The border between honesty and kindness is a fine line, and when in doubt, I believe it’s better to err on the side of kindness. So I started to try and edit my expressions of non-positive emotions at home, too. I invented a little trick for myself, a visualization technique for moments of stress or excessive worry: I go to the bedroom balcony and let the sea wind blow the troubles away. Let the Adriatic waves handle it!
Alain de Botton - one of my favorite modern thinkers - has often talked about the same topic in a delightful manner, serious points spiced up with humor:
“The idea that you should always be yourself in a relationship is one of the most disastrous ones. The untrammeled self is a frightening spectre, best kept for you and your therapist… in loving relationships, you edit yourself.”
Sometimes I fail at it, a little bit or big time. We all do. It’s human.
The important thing is to try. Try to be the best version of myself with the person I love.
